Marlene
What happens when you tune out the negative and think about everything that inspires you?
You relax, you feel more in control, gratitude seems to surface and you’re ready to face whatever comes your way. Life is about choices – how you think, feel, speak and act. Make sure all are in line with each other.
What do butterflies have in common with the human spirit? Meet Maggie, a middle aged wife and mother who was about to find out.
Maggie wasn't rich like a millionaire or poor in a manner of being homeless. She was living an average comfortable life.It was made even better when abeautiful baby girl came her way. She and her husband made sure their daughter had her needs met and they were still able to take a yearly vacation by the beach.
Maggie was a partner in her husband's business. They both had a different set of duties which kept everything in balance.
One day a devastating blow came to her husband's business and over a three year period, the business dropped out of site.
Her husband had to totally reinvent himself and was yearning to fulfill a dream with a new vocation. She was happy for him and supported him fully, but still the money was not coming in.
Maggie began to feel guilty that she wasn't contributing with any kind of income. It had been a long time since she had worked outside the home andhad to work for someone else. Needless to say she was scared but still had faith that everything would be okay.
She began job hunting and found filling out applications somewhat difficult, especially the part asking for job references. (Keep in mind that she was self-employed with her husband for almost 20 years.) It felt as though that didn't count for anything as she was never called for an interview.At the time she was job hunting her mom became more ill than she had been and ended up in the hospital for a week.
Once Maggie's mom returned home, she became her mom's helper one day a week. She did the shopping, changed sheets, vacuumed and did other things that her mother was not able to do anymore. Of course her mom would pay her for her time and labor but she still felt she needed to find another source of income.
One of the first applications she had filled out finally came through. She passed the interview with flying colors and was told she was "exactly" whatthey were looking for. Although it was only part-time it was exactly what she wanted. It was important for her to be home when her daughter arrivedhome from school. She was told they would be in touch when the schedule was ready. Knowing she had the job made her feel contented and productive again.
Within a few weeks though, she received an e-mail saying that the company had changed the job into a full time position and she was not qualified.
Maggie was devastated. She felt betrayed and felt she had been lied to.
That evening she was alone as her husband and daughter had gone out for the night. She welcomed the aloneness and wanted to drown her sorrows in a hot tub of bubbles. As she knew she would, she began to cry, softly at first just from the sheer pain of being rejected. Three long years of struggle had finally caught up with her.
Then she became angry; angry at everything from the circumstances that got her there, to God himself. She cried harder and yelled, "What doyou want me to do?" She really felt that God had abandoned her.
When she was able to cry no more, she became exhausted and gave up. It was at that moment that a silent idea came to her to offer other elderly peoplehome care assistance.
Using another talent for computers she printed off some flyers and cards and distributed them to her church, grocery stores and even placed a small ad in the newspaper. Within a week she had procured two new clients. Now, even though she's not a CEO of a major company or a power player, she feels happy and productive again.
So, had God really abandoned her? Let's look at nature for the lessons and the answer.
Before a butterfly can emerge out of it's chrysalis it has to go through a lot of struggling. Yes, struggling.
Each time it lunges out to escape, acids are being removed from its wings. If someone were to come along and break the chrysalis open for it, then the butterfly would die from those acids.
In essence the struggle is necessary for the butterfly to survive. Then in the stillness, when the struggle is over, the butterfly can come out and share its beauty with the world.
We as humans are not any different. There are times that we need to struggle, to rid ourselves of the acids that make up sadness, fear, and anger. It is only at this time when we are exhausted and still that we begin to hear the Universe whisper to us.
Copyright © 2006 Tony Masiello
Marlene
Everyone needs a mentor at some point in their life. Maybe you’ve had one in the business world or in your personal life. Most times you will develop a bond with them as they share their experiences and bring positive influences into your life.
Now may be the time to reach out to someone who could use a little help; someone you could mentor.
What a great way to give a gift to them and yourself!
Compiled by Tony Peeris --- India
Marlene
Yes, chances come and go, that’s true. What about those you aren’t aware of because you didn’t even try?
This week, I hope you make a commitment to be open to possibilities. Most things will not be handed to you in life; you have to work for them. Don’t be afraid to fail when trying something new. That’s part of the process you have to go through. You’re trying; you’re putting yourself in a position to find new opportunities that may not seem obvious.
Keep going – don’t give up. You’ve got this, if you keep doing the work.
Here’s to you today! Shine bright and be involved in the direction of your life.
A husband got into big trouble after his wedding anniversary. His wife told him the day before, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds."
The next morning the wife went outside and found a small box in the driveway. She opened it and found a bathroom scale.
All throughout life we all deal with some type of disappointment, whether it is disappointment from our job, family or friends. Disappointment is inevitable. It is not a matter of "if" it comes, it is "when" it comes.
Several days before my 15th birthday, my dad informs me that they have bought me a car. You can imagine the excitement I felt. He went on to say that it was being delivered on the morning of my birthday. I walked around to cloud nine and remember thinking, "Oh man, only rich people get their cars delivered to them; this must be quite the car!"
That morning, I stood in my parents' driveway waiting for my car to arrive. My heart is pounding against my chest, in my mind I picture a red convertible sports car and can feel the wind blowing through my hair as I take that baby from 4th to 5th gear. I can hear the duel exhaust screaming as I put the accelerator to the floor. I got excited!!
Several minutes later, I notice a tow truck coming down the street and to my amazement the driver pulled into my parent's drive way. It wasn't my beautiful red sports car, it wasn't car at all. I figured the tow truck driver had made a wrong turn and needed directions.
I walked up to the truck and in my most polite tone asked if I could help him. He said is he was looking for-and gave my address. I can only assume that all the blood must've drained from my face, because the driver asked if I was okay.
I couldn't believe it! It wasn't a red sports car like I had pictured in my mind. Instead, on the back of this tow truck sat a hideous, multi-colored, 1972 Ford Courier pick up truck. "You've got to be kidding me, is this some kind of cruel joke?"
When I say multi-colored, this truck had approximately 20 different colors on it. This truck had no idea what color it wanted to be. It was used for the paint shop of the auto repair facility where my dad worked and there are no words to describe the ugliness of this truck.
My dad walked out of the house and gave directions where the monster was to be released. Evidently my dad saw the disappointment in my face and told me that we had one year to work on the truck and get it in tip-top shape. I was disgusted!
Through out the next year I would work on my truck every afternoon and every weekend. It took forever to remove all the paint. One year later, after many hours of labor, we hadn't gotten to the painting stage but at least all the dents were straightened and running. The truck was a beautiful brown primer color. The only way to get a shine on this truck was spray the primer with water and admire it before the water dried.
The moment had finally arrived. With great pride I slid the key in the ignition and to no avail, if didn't start! Pounding the steering wheel in anger, I remember thinking, "This is NOT happening!"
Finally, my dad and I managed to get it running again and off I went for my first adventure in my "new" truck. After a quick stop to pick up a good friend, we were out on the town in the brown beast. I drove around for several hours and we started for home. The truck ran for a grand total of 5 hours and left me sitting on the side of the highway. I remember thinking and feeling this has to be the worse birthday in history.
I have learned through experience that there is something to learn from all our disappointment. It is through disappointment that we are strengthened. It is up to us to find the good in every bad situation. Instead of asking "why me?" start asking "what can I learn from this?" In every disappointment there is a lesson to be learned. However, it is up to you to look for the lesson.
You may be wondering what that hideous truck taught me.
I'm not sure what it taught me. One thing I do know for sure is that truck brought closeness between me and my dad that never before existed. It gave me an opportunity to actually learn who my dad was a person. We spent many hours together working on the truck and it gave him the opportunity to do what he loved to do, work on a vehicle and teach his son some valuable lessons about life. I didn't realize all this at the time, but as I sit here and write this, it has opened my eyes to the realization that my dad wasn't that bad after all.
No matter how much disappointment comes into your life, look through it and find the positive lessons within. You are a strong willed individual and you have the ability to overcome any and all obstacles that come into your path of life. You can overcome any form of disappointment and can become a stronger, smarter and a more confident person. I have faith in you and your ability to overcome.
Copyright © 2008 Bobby Cary II
Bobby Cary is an inspirational/motivational speaker, writer and life coach. Throughout his life, Bobby has faced many set backs. Growing up with a severe speech impediment along with a learning disability and a behavior disorder, he has a tremendous amount of experience in Overcoming Adversity.
Marlene
Many parts of the world have or are starting to reopen though the pandemic Covid-19 virus is still active. Numbers have dropped in many areas and some are spiking again. It is an unsettling time that we are in, yet we have to move forward with hope and confidence that it will all work out. I want to thank you for your motivation, inspiration, and concern for all who are fighting this battle.
Today - more positive news! I invite you to read stories from the sports world and how so many are helping out during this time of extreme need.
Good News From Yahoo Sports
https://sports.yahoo.com/sports-good-news-tracker-during-coronavirus-covid-19-pandemic-211306589.html
Taking time to think kind thoughts about yourself and loved ones has psychological and physical benefits, new research suggests.
A study by the Universities of Exeter and Oxford has found that taking part in self-compassion exercises calms the heart rate, switching off the body's threat response. Previous studies have shown that this threat response damages the immune system. Researchers believe the ability to switch off this response may lower the risk of disease.
In the study, published in the journal Clinical Psychological Science, 135 healthy University of Exeter students were divided into five groups, and members of each group heard a different set of audio instructions. The team took physical measurements of heart rate and sweat response, and asked participants to report how they were feeling. Questions included how safe they felt, how likely they were to be kind to themselves and how connected they felt to others.
The two groups whose instructions encouraged them to be kind to themselves not only reported feeling more self-compassion and connection with others, but also showed a bodily response consistent with feelings of relaxation and safety. Their heart rates dropped and the variation in length of time between heartbeats -- a healthy sign of a heart that can respond flexibly to situations. They also showed lower sweat response.
Meanwhile, instructions that induced a critical inner voice led to an increased heart rate and a higher sweat response -- consistent with feelings of threat and distress.
First author Dr Hans Kirschner, who conducted the research at Exeter, said: "These findings suggest that being kind to oneself switches off the threat response and puts the body in a state of safety and relaxation that is important for regeneration and healing."
Lead researcher Dr Anke Karl, of the University of Exeter, said: "Previous research has found that self-compassion was related to higher levels of wellbeing and better mental health, but we didn't know why.
"Our study is helping us understand the mechanism of how being kind to yourself when things go wrong could be beneficial in psychological treatments. By switching off our threat response, we boost our immune systems and give ourselves the best chance of healing. We hope future research can use our method to investigate this in people with mental health problems such as recurrent depression."
The recordings that encouraged self-compassion were a "compassionate body scan" in which people were guided to attend to bodily sensations with an attitude of interest and calmness; and a "self-focused loving kindness exercise" in which they directed kindness and soothing thoughts to a loved one and themselves.
The three other groups listened to recordings designed to induce a critical inner voice, put them into a "positive but competitive and self-enhancing mode," or an emotionally neutral shopping scenario.
All the audio recordings were 11 minutes long.
While people in both the self-compassion and positive but competitive groups reported greater self-compassion and decreased self-criticism, only the self-compassion groups showed the positive bodily response.
Marlene
You've learned about the Power of Positive Thinking, how your thoughts affect you and your life. The same goes for The Power Of Negative Thinking. Be careful what you are focusing on. Always ask yourself this: Is this thought hurting or helping my life? Then... you will know what to do.
Marlene
How many times have you made a decision that was right? A lot, of that I'm sure. Yet have you ever found yourself more attached to being right rather than doing the right thing?
Most people I know, including myself, have made decisions that weren't the best for the situation. We mess up. The difference is do you change your mind and go forward or stick with your decision even though you know it's not going to work out? Don't hang onto bad decisions - admit you're wrong and look for a new avenue.
Marlene
One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, focus on where you want to go, not where you've been because today is all that matters. Have you started yet or are you ready to begin?
When you make the decision to go forward, everything changes. You've made a commitment and nothing will stop you from fulfilling your goal. Will there be setbacks? Good chance. Will there be amazing moments? Absolutely! Will it be worth it? Only you can decide.
(Note:Something to think about: How much do you really have control over? --- Marlene)
Since we are talking about our life and our future, inevitably and ultimately we have to make certain decisions. Decisions are about making the right choices (Nobody wants to make the wrong choices anyway). No matter how hard pressed we are, we have to know that we have choices. We just have to decide which course to take.
Whichever course we choose, there will be consequences waiting for us, be it good or be it bad. The choices we make today will color the spectrum of our life in the future.
We may dream of "flying to the moon and play with the stars" but before we could do that, we need to do certain things first. We certainly could not wait for the moon to fall on our lap. We need to set our dreams, choose the right vehicle to achieve our dreams, transform our dreams into tangible goals and last but not least, we need to act fast as if our life depends on it.
Do I consider myself idealistic? Hmmm ... I do not know.
Marlene
Think about your work. Your autograph is on it. Are you happy to sign it knowing you did the best you could? Was the way you approached and executed the work filled with joy, confidence, integrity and compassion? If not, why not?
No matter what your position is, it's important. Everyone is part of the team and the way you do your part either helps or hurts the outcome. If it's not your dream job, act like it is until you find something else. Don't complain. Be a good example.
Marlene
Learn about your customers' world. Stay on top of news that may affect their business. Find out what is important to them and help them achieve it. You never know how great the relationship can turn out to be.
Marlene
What can you do to make your next interaction positive? What can you do to improve a situation? Maybe it's a smile, a laugh, a word of encouragement. Perhaps it's holding someone's hand or giving them a hug.
There are so many ways to make a positive impact. Challenge yourself and see what you can come up with. Then tomorrow and the day after that, do it again. When we add repetition to an activity, over time, it becomes a natural event or as some say "a habit".
Of course everyone worries sometimes and for good reasons. Do you realize that worrying doesn't solve anything? Most of the time we worry about things that are out of our control. When we are concerned, we are more apt to take action or develop a plan and then put the plan into place.
Explore how you feel about worry and concern and if your response to each one is what you really want to do.
Marlene
Today is where the good life lives - your life. Be Happy Now! Make the most of each moment, enjoying the people in your life and look forward to the future. When you stay in the moment, you don't miss the small acts of kindness that come your way; and they are there, always.
Get ready for a fantastic day; it awaits you. Choose to accept it and share it with as many as you can.
By Glen Michael Robinson
My name is Glen Michael Robinson and I've been employed for the past 23 years with the Marion County Sheriff's Office in Ocala, FL. I've never seen a mother respond to the death of her child the way this mother did.
Her son was killed on his third birthday when he chased a ball in the road in front of his house and was struck by a car. Her resolve to remain calm while everything around her was falling apart was an inspiration to me.
I asked her if she knew where the mother was. I'll never forget the calm expression on her face as she looked at me and told me, "I am the mother." She was a source of strength for me.
Marlene
Everyone will have their time to be courageous, many more than once. Look around at the people you know who have encountered situations that require their strength to make it through. Maybe it's been you, or someone in your family. Remember, you never really know what someone has faced. Open your heart today and recognize the courage in their souls.
Once when I was a teenager, my father and I were standing in line to buy tickets for the circus. Finally, there was only one family between us and the ticket counter.
This family made a big impression on me. There were eight children, all probably under the age of 12. You could tell they didn't have a lot of money. Their clothes were not expensive, but they were clean.
The children were well-behaved, all of them standing in line, two-by- two behind their parents, holding hands. They were excitedly jabbering about the clowns, elephants and other acts they would see that night. One could sense they had never been to the circus before. It promised to be a highlight of their young lives.
The father and mother were at the head of the pack standing proud as could be. The mother was holding her husband's hand, looking up at him as if to say, "You're my knight in shining armor." He was smiling and basking in pride, looking at her as if to reply, "You got that right."
The ticket lady asked the father how many tickets he wanted. He proudly responded, "Please let me buy eight children's tickets and two adult tickets so I can take my family to the circus."
The ticket lady quoted the price. The man's wife let go of his hand, her head dropped, the man's lip began to quiver. The father leaned a little closer and asked, "How much did you say?"
The ticket lady again quoted the price. The man didn't have enough money.
How was he supposed to turn and tell his eight kids that he didn't have enough money to take them to the circus?
Seeing what was going on, my dad put his hand into his pocket, pulled out a $20 bill and dropped it on the ground. (We were not wealthy in any sense of the word!) My father reached down, picked up the bill, tapped the man on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, sir, this fell out of your pocket."
The man knew what was going on. He wasn't begging for a handout but certainly appreciated the help in a desperate, heartbreaking, embarrassing situation. He looked straight into my dad's eyes, took my dad's hand in both of his, squeezed tightly onto the $20 bill, and with his lip quivering and a tear streaming down his cheek, he replied, "Thank you, thank you, sir. This really means a lot to me and my family."
My father and I went back to our car and drove home. We didn't go to the circus that night, but we didn't go without.
Anonymous --- Submitted by Jeff Pappas --- Texas
Read more at https://motivateus.com/stories/circus.htm#8DXTSdORKkGKyBoh.99
Marlene
What do you think? I've known many people who never seemed to bloom in their thinking as they got older. They seemed to stay with what was familiar to them, rather than look at what could be and is possible.
When you don't learn from your experiences, you may find yourself repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Wisdom is taking the experience, looking for the lesson and changing your ways to one that will benefit you, not hurt you, again.
This morning I had to report for potential jury duty. I accepted the fact that I might be there all day. Once I did, I relaxed and enjoyed the moments leading up to our dismissal - a deal was struck.
Imagine how you would feel sitting there waiting. Would you have been agitated, upset, or angry? By accepting what is, you can move onto "Where and what do I need to do next?"
Hope your day is incredible and that acceptance for what is helps you move on to what could be!
Your always adding to the greatness of your life. No matter who you meet, what decisions you make, you will always improve upon yourself and what you were in the past. Make each second of every day count, for it will never return. Live without regrets and always have a smile on your face. Every interaction you have adds to the masterpiece that exists in your very being.
#piccadillyinc
Marlene
Look at the good all around you; what was once impossible is now a reality. How does that happen? Work, faith, trust and a knowing that when you change your thoughts, you change your life.
Everything is possible; tap into the incredible goodness that is waiting for you. It's there, ask anyone who has experienced success or a miracle.
Marlene
Yes the elderly do link us to history and... they have wisdom from years of experience that we don't have yet. What are a few pieces of insight they could share with you?
After reading several articles on this topic, I picked one by Nico Pitney. He writes about a gerontologist who interviewed 1500+ Elders for their advice on living and loving. Here are a few highlights and a link to the full article.
One of the biggest regrets of the very old was, I wish I hadn't spent so much time worrying.
If you lose yourself in the middle-age blur of work and kids, you really won't do your kids any good.
How you respond if your partner interrupts you while you're doing something is very diagnostic of how good the relationship's going to be.
Towards the end of life, what's really important to people is to be able to see how their life mattered, how it was meaningful, how there was a story to it that wraps up in a good way.
While thinking about the Topic of the Week, I came across this wonderful article on Self-Esteem.
What is Self-Esteem?
Most people's thoughts and feelings about themselves fluctuate somewhat based on their daily experiences. The grade you get on an exam, how your friends treat you, ups and downs in a romantic relationship can all have a temporary impact on how you feel about yourself.
Your self-esteem, however, is something more fundamental than the normal ups and downs associated with situational changes. For people with good self-esteem, normal ups and downs may lead to temporary fluctuations in how they feel about themselves, but only to a limited extent. In contrast, for people with poor self-esteem, these ups and downs drastically impact the way they see themselves.
Okay?
Marlene
Yes, the work was hard! The results were impressive. He continues to train so that he can maintain what he worked so hard to do.
You can do it too! Just start and then continue one day at a time. You will get there; have faith in yourself, believe in yourself and know you CAN do it!
Be fearless today and take care!
Marlene
No plan? No direction! Would you attempt to build your house without a plan? Of course not; unless you want to waste your time and money. If what I suggested is true, why wouldn't you have a plan for your days? Surely you want to be ready and set to go each day to accomplish what your heart desires.
If you make having a plan a part of your daily routine, it will be come a habit in no time at all. This is YOUR future and you get to set the direction you want to take each and every day.
John Perry
If you think about it, reality comes in many levels, each level involving different kinds of things, having different kinds of properties. Perhaps most people would think of things like dirt at the bottom level, then us at the next level, and the sky at the highest level. But philosophers have a different, more abstract concept of levels of reality. Here are some examples:
• You and I---or at least our bodies--- along with tables and chairs and cities and towns and planets. This is what philosophers call the level of medium size objects. This level of reality is what most of our lives are concerned with. The sorts of things we can perceive with our senses, and so forth.
• Contrast that with a level called quantum reality. Objects like quarks that we can’t see, having properties like spin that we can barely make sense of.
• On the level just above quantum physics, we find electrons and atoms; then there’s the level of chemical facts, where you have chemicals and bonds; then the level of biology, where you have cells.
• Higher levels too, like maybe involving minds, societies, nations…
• And there are angels and God… and numbers for that matter. So we’ve got lots of levels!
Intuitively each level has a characteristic kind of object, characteristic kinds of properties and facts, and usually a different profession for people that study or work with it: quantum physicists, solid-state physicists, chemists, biologists, psychologists, sociologists. Nearer the top, mathematicians and theologians. And then, at least according to Aristotle, at the very top: philoophers. He put philosophers there because we think about Being --- that is, the whole shebang, and we try to figure out how the different levels are related. Most contemporary philosophers feel more in the middle than at the top. And their approach to the issue of levels of reality focuses on the topic of reduction.
We can set God and the angels aside; philosophers who believe in them aren’t likely to suppose they are reducible to something else, and those who don’t believe in them don’t worry about their reducibility either. We can also set numbers aside, since neither Ken nor I have any firm ideas about them. Then, physicalists like Ken and I both tend to be, think that the rest must be one big reality, physical reality. Facts about chemicals really are just facts about atoms and electrons, and they are really just facts about subatomic particles, or whatever else turns out to be at the bottom. And the same with biology and chemistry; psychology and biology; sociology and psychology.
The divisions are based on how humans interact with the different phenomena, the tools we use, the interests we have, and, of course, the National Science Foundation budgets involved. and Ultimately, metaphysically, philohically, there is just one reality, matter in motion --- or whatever quantum physicists replace matter with, or whatever they replace motion with.
One might think of this as depressing and mysterious. I don’t feel like a complex of quarks. Of course, there is another theory. It’s the competitor to Reductionism. It’s called Emergence. That’s the idea that each level in some way emerges from the one below, under certain conditions. And when emergence happens, truly new objects, properties, and facts are involved.
One might favor reductionism over emergence on the basis that in some cases, the reductions though not yet discovered, are in principle to be had. Biologists have known since Mendel that something, which they called `genes', are responsible for inherited characteristics. But for a long time, there were debates about whether genes could really be explained by physical and chemical properties. Many biologists thought that genes could never be fully explained just in terms of physics and chemistry. They thought, in other words, genes were emergent, and not reducible. But with the discovery of DNA and the development of molecular biology, we know this isn't so. The structure that Watson and Crick discovered has allowed scientists to explain how genes work without appealing to anything but the principles and properties of physics and chemistry.
If everywhere some philosophers see emergence, scientists will eventually provide reductions, emergence will just be another idea in the dust-bin called the history of philosophy. But that grand result would require a biological understanding of consciousness and all the other mental phenomena. Should would-be physicalists like Ken and I really be so confident of that? Is it so obvious that it even makes sense?
Luckily we have an expert on all of this to help us think about it, Tim O’Connor, author of Theism and Ultimate Explanation.
Marlene
Be the first one to offer kindness and care along with compassion and love. You'll never regret a day that you do and you just may change someone's life by providing them hope in humanity.
Marlene
Do you try to do the best in all you do? Sometimes? What holds you back from doing it all the time? It really is amazing at what you can accomplish if you do it to the best of your ability.
What do you have to do if you want to improve on your results? Get more training and practice what you learned over and over again until it becomes second nature.
When I first started Motivateus.com I knew very little about how to code, how to use graphics programs, what SEO was all about, and a lot more. I could have given up and done something else, but I was determined to learn more, practice and improve. I believe, if you need to, you can do the same.
I'll never be the best at graphics but everyday I give the best to each picture or project. My hope is that today, if you haven't already, you will decide to give your best in all you do. Take care and have a great day!
It’s hard enough to change a habit that you can physically see: going for a daily walk, sitting down to write, having a salad for lunch each day. These are easily seen, but can still be quite a challenge to instill in your life.
But what about habits of mindlessness, that you don’t even know you’re doing? Maybe you notice it later, maybe you never notice. How do you change those kinds of habits?
For myself, I have a number of mindless habits that I could focus on:
Judging other people
Eating mindlessly, especially when I’m talking to people or watching TV
Sitting too long and getting distracted online
Comparing myself to others or judging myself
Shutting down into self-concern when someone is unhappy with me
Hiding things from others because I’m ashamed or afraid for them to know
Of course, these are just a handful that stand out. They’re deeply ingrained, because I’ve had them since childhood.
They are not a reason to beat myself up, or judge myself. There is nothing wrong with me for having these habits. And yet I can see how they’re unhelpful to my happiness, to my relationships, to the work I want to do in the world.
So it would be helpful to retrain these mindless habits.
How do we go about that?
What to Know About Changing Mindless Habits
Before we start, it’s important to know that there are two big obstacles to changing these kinds of habits:
They are deeply ingrained. You’ve been doing them for years — reinforcing them for years — and so you won’t just be able to flip a switch and change them in a day or a week. It could take months to retrain, and in some cases, longer — depending on how much focus you give this retraining, and how consistent you’re able to be.
They are unconscious. If you don’t know you’re doing it, you can’t retrain it. It just keeps happening without you being able to do it. Without awareness, you’re powerless.
So it will likely be a messy process, with starts and stops, lots of “failures” that aren’t really failures if you’re using them to learn and grow your awareness. It can get discouraging, unless you look at every failure in this way, as a necessary step to becoming more aware, a necessary stepping stone to crossing this river.
A Retraining Method for Mindless Habits
With the above ideas in mind, here’s how we might retrain these mindless habits:
Focus on just one habit. Look at my list of mindless habits above — these all seem like great candidates to take on immediately. So why not do them all at once, right? But it’s hard enough to be aware of just one of these habits — trying to be aware of several habits at once is like trying to pay attention to 5 televisions at once. I’d say it’s impossible. Pick just one — you can get to all of them eventually.
Recognize the habit’s effects on you. Before you get started, reflect on how this habit affects you. Maybe just watch it for a few days and see how it affects your happiness, relationships, and the meaningful work you’re doing in the world. Start to get very clear on exactly what this habit does to your life, and all of the ripples it has on all parts of your life. Then get clear that you don’t want to keep doing this to yourself and others around you. You can’t afford it.
Create a practice container to give it focus and create awareness. With focus on one habit and clarity about what it does, you can now set up your retraining practice dojo. Here’s the key: create a space where you become as aware as possible of the habit. For example, if I wanted to work on the “being judgmental of others” habit, I might have a practice hour each day where I walk around in public looking at people and noticing when I have the tendency to judge them. I’m actively watching for the habit. Maybe it’s just 30 minutes, or 5 minutes, depending on the habit. But it has a defined start and end, and I’m very deliberately practicing during this time. I can slowly expand it over time, or have multiple practice sessions a day, but it shouldn’t be all day long. Sometimes I might shrink it. The key is to try to be as aware as possible during this practice container.
Imagine an alternative habit that would be more helpful. What would be a more helpful habit to do instead? For example, instead of judging people, I might try to look at them with compassionate eyes. Instead of eating mindlessly, I might try to fully savor each bite, pausing in between to ask if taking another bite would be a loving act or just mindless satisfying of cravings. Instead of sitting too long, I might have focused work sessions for 15 minutes, getting up and exercising or stretching in between. Instead of comparing myself or judging myself, I might see myself with loving eyes. Instead of shutting down when someone is unhappy with me, I might try to see their pain and what they’re going through. Instead of hiding things from others, I might be open and vulnerable about what I’ve been hiding. These are only examples — take a little time to imagine the habit you’d rather have.
When you notice yourself doing the old habit, practice the new one instead. This one is obvious — during your practice session, if you notice yourself starting to do the old habit, do the new one instead, as deliberately and consciously as you can. Every single time, as consistently as possible. If you don’t do it consistently, just notice when you don’t, just increase awareness.
Repeat many times. This one is obvious too — repeat it often, until it becomes easier and more natural and more and more automatic. Reinforce each time you do it by giving yourself a mental pat on the back — feeling good about this success, even if it’s not perfect. Take a moment to feel grateful for your effort.
Then learn to do the new habit earlier. With some practice, you can learn to do the new habit much earlier in the process. For example, instead of judging someone and then switching to seeing them with compassion … I might look at someone and immediately try to see them with compassion, as soon as I see them. This takes a lot of awareness and practice, but it gets easier with time. You’re cutting out the old habit completely, so that the new one gets reinforced.
Repeat many more times. Again, repeat this method as many times as it takes to become more and more automatic. You might add additional practice sessions. You can even try to catch yourself outside of the practice sessions, until it becomes really easy to be aware of this during the day.
Important: see every mistake as a stepping stone to greater awareness. Remember that you’re not going to be perfect at this. It’s going to be messy. The old habit has been strengthened over years. Develop patience with yourself, understanding, compassion. Learn to encourage yourself when things are hard. And see every failure as information to use to get better and better.
This is the method. It works, I promise — I’ve changed some difficult habits this way, even if it took me longer than I’d care to admit. I’m still working with this method, in spurts and starts, in a very messy way. But shift happens. It can for you as well!
POSTED: THURSDAY, AUGUST 15, 2019
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Thought is like a river. It flows from each of us into one huge collective force. It's strengths has superiority to any of man's inventions. It has unseen greatness as well as magnificent beauty. It's power lies within each of us. We just have to learn how to magnify its significance.
#piccadillyinc
Curiosity is what leads us to knowledge. Knowledge is a powerful asset. When you are curious, you are creating, when you are creating are thinking. So in a sense curiosity leads to thought.
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Marlene
Everybody is in sales whether you know it or not. Think about your life and all the people in it. Every day you create, strengthen or diminish your relationships by how you interact with others.
Be the one who encourages, compliments and helps someone today. They're not going to get a fat head because of what you say to them. They will think you're pretty terrific and will enjoy the experience.
BY LEO BABAUTA
Who among us doesn’t procrastinate? Who comes up with a wonderfully prioritized plan for the day and sticks to it, without putting off the hard stuff and running to distraction or busywork or comfort?
There may be some of you out there who are incredibly disciplined, but I’d say it’s fairly uncommon.
Most of us have trouble with distractions, with doing busywork instead of important work, with going to our comforts like TV, shopping, social media, with procrastination and putting off good habits.
If you recognize yourself in that description, I invite you to join my Courageous Self-Discipline Challenge for August.
I’ll be holding the challenge (starting Monday) in my Sea Change Program, where more than a thousand people will be doing it together, supporting each other.
How will the challenge work? You’ll commit to the challenge publicly (within the Sea Change community), and then do some daily challenges that will have different focuses each week. There will be weekly check-ins to give you accountability, and a live video webinar.
Here are the weekly focuses:
Week 1: Set commitment & intentions, and start.
Week 2: Deepen commitment & focus.
Week 3: Play with your pattern.
Week 4: Find joy in the discipline.
Each week, there will be an article talking about the weekly focus, with instructions for how to do that week’s focus.
You can ask questions in our Sea Change community, and ask me a question directly in the live video webinar.
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